One person witnessed me at my very worse, rock-bottom, surviving the earthquakes caused by the unstable ground I walk on. You’re one person I wasn’t afraid of being judged by, but I noticed the very human things about you that made me jealous of who you are.
My heart wakes me up. It’s screaming through my chest, shaking the bed I’m laying on. I get up, tired and thirsty, shamelessly spitting shame on my sheets. I can barely walk. My legs are occupied by my heartbeats. It’s a storm. I don’t have the dignity to bring myself up but I manage to. I stumble to the bathroom, forcing myself to hydrate what’s left of me and for once I can’t look at the mirror. It’s been some time since I stopped recognizing the person in front of me but right now, in this moment, with my heart beating in my throat and my stomach jumbled up with my thoughts, I don’t want to see the person in front of me. I feel sick. I am sick. I don’t dare to look.
I don’t know what happened. I don’t remember anything from the past 2 years but I remember who I was, who I still am, who I tried to kill. It was all in vain. I can’t kill her. I don’t want to anymore because I don’t remember anything since waking up except thinking that I’ve lost myself. I’m in a dark room surrounded by my fear of being ever-so-slightly human. I don’t want to be here anymore. It scares me and I’m the only one who can get myself out but I feel safe when I’m confined. The sun outside can burn through my skin, through my soul, through my rusted heart – that isn’t ticking clockwise anymore – and possibly plant something good in me.
My heart is spilling itself out for me. My conscience is slapping me repeatedly so I can at least feel pain but I feel nothing. My cheeks aren’t red, my eyes don’t burn but I feel my heart flutter to the thought of who I used to be. I miss the girl who lived with laughter and love. I simply miss loving. I miss loving glitter, hot-cocoa, running in the snow, warm hugs, sitting in silence or trying to make someone laugh, listening and actually caring. I miss caring. I miss standing for things, mending hearts and showering people with kindness. To the girl caged inside of me: I need you to come out.
I wonder why I’m here because I have no clue what brought me here.
I took a one-way ticket to a deranged world and I need to get out. I have too much to offer and everything to lose, yet, helping myself is a war I’m still fighting in. I’m a message in a bottle thrown into the ocean and I’m afraid of being found. I want the waves to dethrone the cork ruling over me, shatter the walls of this castle and let the water consume me. I want to wilt away. I want my words to fade and my meaning to dissipate. I’m scared of being understood but I’m also scared of drowning. I can’t sink to the ocean floor because my bones can’t handle the cold and my body can’t carry me against the water.
Love, Alyazya
I understand how it feels to not be able to access who you are… and even if you could access it, I know how it feels to not be sure if the courage to do so could be conjured up. I can relate so much to this.
LikeLiked by 1 person
It’s something we go through more than once in a lifetime and it’s extremely difficult when your unable to settle to a single identity. It takes a lot to question yourself and not much to run away from it.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Exactly. Logically, I could be many different people but we have to choose only one. I’m not able to. I run away… even though, yes it is easy to do that. But I feel like once I find something that is right for me, I will just feel it. Until then, I won’t settle.
LikeLiked by 1 person
It’s okay to be as many people as you want until you find the right balance that works for you but you need a lot of patience for yourself for that to happen
LikeLiked by 1 person
Absolutely. It’s really disorienting. But it’s more disorienting feeling like you’re acting and forced to be someone you know you are not.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yeah, definitely
LikeLike
This is such a very touching piece. It gave me the shivers because I can vividly remember those times when life drove me to my knees and when I could barely function as a human being. Hang in there!
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m glad you can relate to this! Thank you for your comment.
LikeLike
Thank you for sharing your experience and struggles. I relate to this post more than anything I’ve read on any blog. It helps to see and feel the experience from your point of you and validates mine as well.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m glad you can relate to this post! We often feel that way in different points of our lives. It’s only normal because we’re always changing. It’s my pleasure! I made this blog to give people something to relate to! I’m happy you took the time to comment. 💕
LikeLiked by 1 person
Reblogged this on Dayana.
LikeLiked by 1 person
very powerful. I feel your angst. I tried running away from myself for years
LikeLiked by 1 person
😦
LikeLike
Wait a minute. Is that a real pic of you? Whoa. Hey, don’t ever let someone have control of your emotions unless they deserve it. Lol. Trust me, you’ll find someone who doesn’t make you question the inner being of your soul. Wow.
LikeLike
Hey, I don’t usually tell people what my posts are about but Fallen is about that moment before you realize that you’ve hit rock bottom. You know those few minutes or hours of realization it takes before you decide that you need to change… The person mentioned was the person who allowed me to realize it. It was a distorted version of myself who was taking control over my emotions.
LikeLike
Well rock bottom is often a moment of clarity. The fact you realize that is beautiful. The fact you comprehend that is being aware and honest. All of which are traits of a person worthy of a break. I think you should be proud of such awareness and really you’re the one who has obviously discovered this. I think you should take it easy on yourself. 😊
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you for your words 🦄
LikeLike
I love this piece. It is rich in imagery and very evocative. You capture a yearning that we all have at times and I enjoyed reading it. Somehow, I don’t find it dark, but liberating. Yes, the girl caged in side can, will and want to come out.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m glad you did 💕
LikeLiked by 1 person
Profound.
Part of my one-way ticket has worn off from trying to find its ‘valid until.’ I think it has expired.
LikeLiked by 1 person