Agomelatine: A Love-Hate Relationship

My relationship with agomelatine: an unhappy marriage with its occasional highs. For this reason, I want to shed light on what it’s like to be on and off my pills.

Irrationality and Impulsiveness – Being less anxious, it’s easy to walk into a crowd of people, raise my voice in a group meeting or even build up the courage to speak to my professors, but like every other artificial thing, my confidence comes with a price to pay. I am nothing less than irrational or for the very least impulsive. I don’t recall going through a decision-making process to determine the consequences I might face. I’m not one to jump in headfirst but I’ve been crashing into many walls lately.

Robotic – I wouldn’t completely call myself numb, I’d still feel something if I re-watched the ending of Death Parade but I can’t say I feel anything either. Agomelatine is the perfect solution for someone engulfed by emotion yet it’s far from that. I feel disconnected with myself. Along with my current apathy and irrationality comes an absence of shame, guilt, and empathy. I feel robotic. This doesn’t really fix the problem, robotic just means that I can’t cry out the heaviness on my chest but the heaviness remains. I don’t feel sad but I still “carry the burden of sadness.”

Focused and Empty Minded – Often, I’m hyperactive with the attention span of a 3-year-old: restless and fidgety in a childlike nature. I can’t focus in class or on coursework. Hell, I can barely keep up with a conversation. Right now, I’m focused. I focus on every little detail: my speech, my strut, and the sounds around me. I’m alert all the time. Sadly, this means that all the thoughts that usually run through my mind are locked away. I can’t think. I don’t think. My mind is the Indus Valley Desert going through its 200-year drought. I’m not sure if the world is a blur or I’m cursed with bad eyesight but I find myself doing stupid mistakes. That, with my inability to dig up my feelings, make it really hard for me to do the thing I love the most: write.

A Calm Insomniac – Fun fact about me, I’m afraid of falling asleep. It’s the most terrifying at night so whenever possible, I sleep it during the day. I’ve always had night terrors but for the past 4-years, I’ve been haunted by re-occurring nightmares that wake me up crying or choking in a pool of sweat at least 3 times a night. With agomelatine, I still wake up terrified but I’m calm. That is, of course, when I actually get some sleep. This used to be something that happens the first 2-4 weeks of taking the pills but now it seems like my body is forever trying to adapt to something it will never get accustomed to. My nights go by with my eyes wide open, trying to rest my mind before the alarm wakes me up. I’m heavy-minded and half-asleep almost all the time.

 

Love, Alyazya


31 thoughts on “Agomelatine: A Love-Hate Relationship

  1. I had to use the Wikipedia to know about it more, and the way you have written, I guess they can add it on their page for readers to know about it more. But its good to see you sharing about your feelings and to voice it out is the best way to make yourself feel better. Do remember there is always something good which follows the bad.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It differs from one person to another. Some people don’t fear anything that causes them to stay awake. Speaking for myself, it’s the fear of losing consciousness or control as well as the fear of my nightmares or at least that’s what I think it is.

      BY THE WAY YOUR COMMENTS MADE ME REALLY HAPPY!! 😊

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m wondering if they have you on the right drug. I hadn’t heard of agomelatine before, but I read up on it and it is used to treat depression and sleep disorders. I’m no doctor, but I like to play one on the Internet. But based on your description of how you are without medication, I wonder if perhaps you have ADHD, which can also impact sleep and cause anxiety/depression. I would ask to be assessed for ADHD if you haven’t been already. Also, ADHD presents differently in men and women so often it is missed in women. http://www.cbc.ca/natureofthings/episodes/adhd-not-just-for-kids

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Alyazya, Thank you for sharing this with people. It can’t be easy to do this.

    I wish you the best and hope you’ll get real rest and real sleep in the time to come, the end of your fear of nightmares, the end of your fear of losing consciousness/control, the end of the things afflicting you and affecting your life so negatively.

    I don’t know what you believe about God and miracles but I will pray about you and your fear of nightmares and losing consciousness or control, about things you wrote, about the things afflicting you.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Alyazya, Do you actually remember what the re-occurring nightmares are that you have (their content) or do you just know that you’ve had them because of how it affects you, your body, and mind when you wake up?

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s