My relationship with agomelatine: an unhappy marriage with its occasional highs. For this reason, I want to shed light on what it’s like to be on and off my pills.
Irrationality and Impulsiveness – Being less anxious, it’s easy to walk into a crowd of people, raise my voice in a group meeting or even build up the courage to speak to my professors, but like every other artificial thing, my confidence comes with a price to pay. I am nothing less than irrational or for the very least impulsive. I don’t recall going through a decision-making process to determine the consequences I might face. I’m not one to jump in headfirst but I’ve been crashing into many walls lately.
Robotic – I wouldn’t completely call myself numb, I’d still feel something if I re-watched the ending of Death Parade but I can’t say I feel anything either. Agomelatine is the perfect solution for someone engulfed by emotion yet it’s far from that. I feel disconnected with myself. Along with my current apathy and irrationality comes an absence of shame, guilt, and empathy. I feel robotic. This doesn’t really fix the problem, robotic just means that I can’t cry out the heaviness on my chest but the heaviness remains. I don’t feel sad but I still “carry the burden of sadness.”
Focused and Empty Minded – Often, I’m hyperactive with the attention span of a 3-year-old: restless and fidgety in a childlike nature. I can’t focus in class or on coursework. Hell, I can barely keep up with a conversation. Right now, I’m focused. I focus on every little detail: my speech, my strut, and the sounds around me. I’m alert all the time. Sadly, this means that all the thoughts that usually run through my mind are locked away. I can’t think. I don’t think. My mind is the Indus Valley Desert going through its 200-year drought. I’m not sure if the world is a blur or I’m cursed with bad eyesight but I find myself doing stupid mistakes. That, with my inability to dig up my feelings, make it really hard for me to do the thing I love the most: write.
A Calm Insomniac – Fun fact about me, I’m afraid of falling asleep. It’s the most terrifying at night so whenever possible, I sleep it during the day. I’ve always had night terrors but for the past 4-years, I’ve been haunted by re-occurring nightmares that wake me up crying or choking in a pool of sweat at least 3 times a night. With agomelatine, I still wake up terrified but I’m calm. That is, of course, when I actually get some sleep. This used to be something that happens the first 2-4 weeks of taking the pills but now it seems like my body is forever trying to adapt to something it will never get accustomed to. My nights go by with my eyes wide open, trying to rest my mind before the alarm wakes me up. I’m heavy-minded and half-asleep almost all the time.