Diving into the surface of things

A88A9976-DE6A-46F2-9DF5-3C5F5B019E2DThere’s something uplifting about laying empty-minded in the dark. The light cannot speak to me. I don’t have to stare back at something that cannot see me. I am free from empty conversations.

Earlier today, I spent a few hours staring at the mirror, wondering if I know who I’m looking at. After mindfully inspecting the life in my eyes, the spots on my face and the lines on my forehead, I concluded that I no longer know who I am. Everything is unfamiliar – even now, my own words sound foreign to me.

My sight has taken my mind to a thousand places.

Here, in the dark, I don’t have to think. My mind is following the light wherever it may be. I glance at my phone’s screen and I’m quickly reassured that it’s far from where I lay. I still have a few hours with the darkness.

The sound of my breaths comfort my bare skin that sits under the air conditioner’s nose. Eventually, I give up to the cold and slip under my sheets. I toss and turn until I’m comfortable. Isn’t it sad that you’re not here to share this comfort with me? But then again, if you were here I’d have to keep up with these empty conversations as I hold back my desire to know you better. At this very moment, our encounters seem emptier than this darkness. At least, this darkness holds me, all of my memories, secrets, and desires.

You hold nothing within you and I wonder if you are capable of holding anything at all. I wonder what life is to you. Is it really just drinks, fun and games or does your water run deeper than the shores of the sea? I don’t know if I’ll ever know and my attempts to find out have proven to be useless.

All I can say to you is that your lack of flare has reignited my passion for the immaterial in fear of becoming like you. I am content laying here in the dark after a long day of living a truly meaningful life.

 

Love,  Alyazya


40 thoughts on “Diving into the surface of things

  1. Hi. Your post is so.. haunting and sad. But it sounds fulfilling, like it’s where you need to be to heal. I seriously never do this because I feel like it’s so trite but… maybe check out my blog? I don’t know if you have or not… but I’ve been there and felt that. So… may be if you wanted to email or something? I know it’s a bit weird to air out vulnerable stuff to a stranger though

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Awesome , haunting and some lines just kill it.
    ” Does your water run deeper than the shores of the sea? ”
    “The sound of my breaths comfort my bare skin that sits under the air conditioner’s nose. Eventually, I give up to the cold and slip under my sheets”

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m not normally intrigued by sad pieces, but this I love. Your ability to covey what you are feeling is incredible and I hope you keep pouring out this way!

    “My sight has taken my mind to a thousand places.”

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I totally understand what you are writing. So beautiful, so haunting so harmonious. Love it. I tend to love the darkness instead of the light. In the darkness I feel like I can be alone and still be me.

    Like

  5. 💞💞💞
    Earlier today, I spent a few hours staring at the mirror, wondering if I know who I’m looking at. After mindfully inspecting the life in my eyes, the spots on my face and the lines on my forehead, I concluded that I no longer know who I am. Everything is unfamiliar – even now, my own words sound foreign to me.
    Love this

    Liked by 1 person

  6. You’re enlightened. If you meditate properly you can attain concious unconsciousness (it’s like a reverse-engineered lucid dream). But here you can change your mind, which is where the world exists for each mind. …You can have total peace, which is what emotions prevent, and what peace costs. I’m autistic. Emotions and immediate empathy make sadness painful, reduce functional intelligence because feeling isn’t thinking. Also, stress opens the door to disease. Without it… I haven’t had a sniffle in two decades (I began very young, and skipped years of meditating normals need. I closed my eyes and when I could could enter the darkness and clear it of thought, seal myself from sound by choosing not to hear, when my breathing was normal at five breaths per minute. (A gf watched once. Unless its sexy time, the closer people get to me, the more my skin feels like it is made of insects and…

    Anyway, you can have power without peace. The world is in your mind and when you learn to change your mind oh the places you’ll go.

    This piece is the first I’ve read and it’s fantastic. (That’s the important part.)

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    1. Within ourselves. And I made myself inured toi pain. I feel onmly pressure. Can’t get hot nor cold. I have no idea how to be angry. When insulted I sincerely ask Why would I care what you think? I don’t know you and you’re dressed to molest children. Someone hit me in the nose and it didn’t move me an inch on my skateboardboard. I p[ickedf it up and held it out and said calmly watch the kingpin and bne calm and your nose will disappear into your skull. He trippud into the air trying to run from me, but I hadn’t taken a step toward him. He looked like Two-face when two other skaters tunred him over and didn’t help him up until we talked and I left. It’s easy to laugh, easy to hate. Calm terrifies people. And I made my nose stop bleeding with five seconds of visualization.

      This came at a bery high prioce. The stopping a nosebleed with thought is a parlor trick. The thing I did I can’t say because friends saw me before and after and now shun me. I did the impossible because I didn’t want to live in agony. And so because I could not stop for death I became a butterfly. I changed that radically. (For seven years they called it fibromyalgia but every doctor commented that no one can be awake in your condition. I was in so much pain I poured sweat continuously from the exertion of creating and enduring it. So I got really good at meditating and poassed nirvana and made myself believe thje pain wasnt real by acting as though it wasn’t, which was torture. Since it was going to cause me to suicide at some point, I pushed myself into hyperthermia three times,etc. I was gonna die or the pain was gonna go. I haven;t felt pain in six years. Which is why my fingers are twisted from breaking them learning to skate last year. With a left leg I can’t feel but perfectly control. Because I meditated to the end of thought — one loses consciousness and if you’ve seen the leftovers I wake like I was drowinng, terrified.

      The world is a representation — a bad one — of reality, and each of us owns the world in our heads. One day O was stoned and decided I could onlyt see red shoes.

      Buddhist monmks train and each of these are possible for one group. I can simply do all of them. I don’;t sweat. Ever. Etc. I didn’t want peace. I wanted life.

      I got my life back, and I can do anything with it.

      It helps to be Asperger’s/HFA. When I am into something the world disappears. And I have never dreamed like normal people. I have always know I’m dreaming — I’m a guy, they’re black & White. So I had a decades of experinmce making worlds.

      And I’m glad I didn’t ask anyone about nor research meditation. I knew people concentrated on something. My methos is to look farther and farther into the omky bl;ack behind my eyelids, and then it is not relatable.

      Stupid people will always kill. Saving a life is saving it for later death.

      In the beginning (12 yars after I’d begun) I “got to the place” which is the impression I have after the fact. And I consciusly became unconsciuous.

      I always come out so… terrified. I omce conmtrolled my heartbeat consciously. And I couldn’t meditate and make it beat. Eventually I passed out because there’s a reason it does its thing itself. But the moment I was out I cleared my mind , dove into the void and woke pounding my chest and coughing.

      I stopped fucking around precisely then. I want to believe I wasn’t resuscitating myself.

      Yeah. I have been cool with my superpowers as they are for quite a while.

      Poiny being: I’m not special… Well, If I wasn’t a genius I would have been “Special.” I spent elemetary school learning to act like a real boy. By high school I had fooled myself.

      Sorry but I think fast and type same and I read my thjoughts as they apperar onscreen.

      But then people call how I read lookind at something….

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    2. Autists over-share. I have two annoying things from it. The rest… I can’t get PhDs becuase I taiught myself eveything but I can’t stand numbers (nor certain colors of certain things, it’s hilarious). But everthing is so slow to me… I liken myself to a hummingbiurd among Albatross. Which isn’t an insult or praise of anything/anyone.

      It took a long time to give up on normal. It’s truly my own world, regardless. I can’t text people because I think too fast. I can’t talk because it’s an autistic thing for me… It’s like eating something orange — disgusting and wrong.

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  7. “There’s something uplifting about laying empty-minded in the dark.”
    I think we can let our mind open more when we’re alone in the darkness, our mind won’t be empty but rather we can explore what we’ve been thinking, it may not be an easy thing to do but it can be good for us. If we have an empty mind at some time, we can and should fill it with something that’s good for us, beneficial for us and others.

    “I am free from empty conversations.”
    It’s good to be free of things and activities that are empty and rather try to find and focus on things which aren’t empty but are beneficial, fulfilling. We can all live without empty conversations.

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  8. Alyazya, I hope you benefit from any time you spend in the dark or alone with your mind and thoughts, and that you’ll be free from empty conversations or at least encounter them way less than you have or still are. God bless you.

    Like

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