The horrors of recovery

Food has always consumed me.
When I’m eating, I’m thinking about not eating.
When I’m not eating, I’m thinking about eating.

Now that my body has to deal with it, my life is growing a little more difficult.

Recent health implications scared me into trying to gain weight, and over the past three weeks it has been fluctuating; moving from 38kgs to 42kgs, and now back to 39kgs. I relapse again and again at the very start of this journey because the consequences of getting better are too grave. The simple fact that the digit on the scale changed from a small 3 to an enormous 4 terrified me.

On days when I feel heavier, whether I ate or starved, I lay on my bed lamenting my situation and wondering why I fail to succeed, sinking deeper into this hole of toxicity. Why can’t I overcome my concerns like everyone else? Is being healthy even worth the sacrifice? Maybe it’s not so bad to end up at a hospital bed one day. But then, I remember a photo Mia Findlay shared on her YouTube channel What Mia Did Next of a 19-year-old woman who died at 43kg after her stomach ripped following a binge. She suffered from anorexia and bulimia for five years. You can find the photo and more information regarding the case in the post: “Bulimia Kills …Warning! Graphic Pictures.”

It is a battle between the incentives I have to stop losing weight and the overwhelmingly triggering recovery symptoms. My weight is bound by both my need to survive and my need to feel empty and small.

Forcing your stomach to work after depriving yourself of food has several implications. It’s equivalent to using an old rusty machine without cleaning and oiling it. Your body does not trust you. It’s still preparing for another period of starvation. Your organs need time to catch up after deteriorating for so long.

Thus, being in recovery means you are bloated, constipated, dehydrated and yet still retaining water. Recovery is night sweats, drowsiness, an inability to focus, and a generous dose of sadness. I’ve never really cared for the latter; it is what constitutes being underweight too if you switch night sweats with extreme cold. However, the digestive issues mean heaviness and discomfort – the type that makes me start counting the hours I’ve gone without food.

It’s difficult to eat when you’re facing the likes of gastroparesis and edema. Having gone through it before, I know it’s temporary, and eventually, my weight will go back to normal, but cooping with these symptoms and accepting them as part of recovery is the hardest part.

I never intended to watch my body decompose but here I am again.


Love,  Alyazya

19 thoughts on “The horrors of recovery

  1. I won’t pretend to understand what this battle looks like for you. I’ve known and heard of the struggles of weight, anorexia, drug addictions, alcohol addictions, and what I’ve learned is the road to recovery is often difficult with many setbacks. But, I also know and have heard that if you practice succeeding ONE DAY AT A TIME, it builds up your resistance to turn back until you reach victory. It can be likened to what every new Believer in Christ may experience as they learn to put their trust in an invisible God after years of operating with dependence on the flesh. One blogger, may offer some helpful encouragement and I hope you’ll reach out to others who have been where you are, and can help encourage you till you get to the other side. I’ll be praying for your victory as you overcome! With Love, Ms. Wanda

    Liked by 3 people

  2. i hear you. eating “normally” is hell. learning to live with a recovery body is hell. it’s hard at every moment and you spend all your time arguing with yourself. it’s fatiguing. i’m glad you are doing this for yourself. i’m glad you’re sharing the journey. blessings.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. 😭”moving from 38kgs to 42kgs” both those numbers are less than my (healthy, “normal”) 10 year old son weighs. But you must know it already. For a mom like myself it is hard to hear; I want to hold you in my arms and cry. And yet I get it, since I often wanted to be thinner, like many women. The society we create and consume around us sometimes seems to want us to disappear.

    Your poetry and writings are beautiful. Thank you for “liking” mine, which enabled me to find you.

    Have you read “Love Warrior” by Glennon Doyle? She struggled with bulimia and other addictions. Highly recommend her book. Also there is this, free online, which although is written by the founders of AA, eighty years ago (so the language is a bit male-centric and Christian based), the writing itself is beautiful and aware as well, and I believe the spiritual guidance contained within it can be used to heal any addiction and aid in any recovery. I have used it in my journey to recover from crippling perfectionism.
    That’s why I am able to post this terribly imperfect comment.

    With love, and with deep appreciation for your awareness, generosity and courage, xoxo n

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hello Nadine,

      Thank you for passing by. You’re very sweet. Well, I liked yours because it is both relatable and sends a message of encouragement.

      I haven’t read it but I’ll add it to my (excessively long) list. Hopefully, I’ll read it when I feel ready for such content. Thank you for the recommendation.

      Your comment is perfectly sweet ^.^

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Oh, Hon, my heart just breaks reading this. I look at your photo and think “So young and beautiful!” But I know it doesn’t matter how others view you, but rather, how you view yourself. Our harshest critic, the one when listen to the most, is ourselves.
    I beat myself up emotionally, too. I’ve never suffered from anorexia or bulimia, but my clinical depression prevents me from wanting to eat properly, and my weight suffers as a result of it. I literally can’t gain weight and want to. Most people see my 5’1 frame and weight of 102 lbs as a perk. I see a 56 year old woman wearing a size 2 as ‘failing to fit into my skin’. I am just now learning how to accept myself as the unique, beautiful person that God created. This has never come naturally for me. And that is the key to healing whatever it is that has control over us: to start loving ourselves completely and unconditionally. Perhaps when I’ve succeeded the depression will subside and my appetite will return. Perhaps when you do, you will no longer read the numbers and let them define you. This is my prayer. God bless!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hey,

      Thank you for sharing your story. It’s very intresting to read your point of view.

      More poeple seem to be concerned with how they look, whether is it too small or too big. It seems like we’ll never be good enough for ourselves. This glorification of an ‘ideal’ body type is toxic, whether it’s a curvy or skinny one.


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